Tag Archives: silly

How to Pick Up a (Straight and Female) Art History Major

Let’s face it, Art History majors are really awesome. They are looking at a future of designing really great class powerpoints, wearing funky jewelery, and lamenting to no one who cares about people who just can’t see the difference between Baroque and Rococo (or Modern and Contemporary art). Plus they generally have very good taste in nail polish, have good hair, dress really well, and think in a different way than pretty much any other undergraduate major.  So who wouldn’t want to date one?

So here is a list of things to do and things to avoid in order to pick up your feisty art historian.

DO

1. When choosing between staying over night at an aquarium or a museum, choose the museum. Take note, Jim Halpert. (See S2E18 “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” of The Office)

2. It might help to look like one of these Art History hotties

Theodore Gericault

Once called the “Justin Bieber” of the Romantics by a hilarious University of Pennsylvania art history professor.

Raphael's Self-Portrait

The boy wonder of the Renaissance. Also according to the world’s biggest fangirl, Giorgio Vasari, Raphael died from having too much sex. Just going to leave that tidbit right there.

Lewis Paine by Alexander Gardner

One of the conspirators in the Lincoln assassination, Paine (real name Powell) was convicted and hung for an assassination attempt of Secretary of State William Seward. And he was widely considered the most attractive man in the images from my History of Photography class.

Albrecht Durer Self Portrait

Albrecht Durer: Jesus Face

Gian Lorenzo Bernini

Bernini managed to be a sasspost and a sexpot. And he is single handedly responsible for 70% of the sex appeal of the Catholic Church.

For more hotties from art history check out these blogs: Hotties of Art History and My Daguerrotype Boyfriend

3. Get to know her specific interests in art. Art History majors love Judy Chicago, Clement Greenberg and Jasper Johns. You know why? Because the Art History professor that she aspires to be, who has cool coats/vests/jewelry, likes these people.* And until she graduates these interests are as important if nor more so than her personal art interests.

4. Learn to appreciate scarves. Art History classes are often in the dark. And often early in the morning. Sometimes the only thing keeping you awake and paying attention to Borromini subverting the classical orders is the warmth around your neck and being able to think “my scarf is way more awesome than anyone else’s in the room. Except maybe the scarf that the professor with the cool coats is wearing.” So Art History majors love scarves. This is potential topic of conversation.

While bored, I made this collage of scarves I like, as evidence of how awesome they are and how much art history majors love them.***

Bitches Love Scarves
5. Use Netflix for good. There are some killer art history documentaries on there, with dopey reenactments and interviews with lots of white old men. Worth it, if you can recommend one to her.
Recommended by this Art History Major to you: Exit Through the Gift Shop, Empires: The Medici: Godfathers of the Renaissance, Van Gogh: Brush with Genius, The Art of the Steal, Art 21: Art of the Twenty-First Century, Herb and Dorothy and seriously so many more.

DON’T

1. Don’t call him “da Vinci.” Just like in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, it’s Leonardo. No need to complicate things with errors.

2. Related, don’t let cartoons be your source of art history knowledge.

Like this, this is completely ridiculous. (artist: yours truly)****

3. Don’t go to a museum and then make fun of the art. If you know less than her, this is not the time to show off your humor chops. Listen and discuss things. That’s why museums are fun. Also: museum dates are not a must. If you cannot handle museums (seriously, not everyone can), it would be better to not go, then then to go and make a fool of yourself. Art History majors have hobbies. Anyways, she’s probably been to the local museum bunches of times, so if you do go, make sure there is a special exhibit in town. It especially helps if it is one you are interested in.

So good luck! And of course there is something else you could do…register for art history classes! They are amazing and unlike any other class offered in an undergraduate program.

*This list may or may not be satirical.
**This may be Agnes Scott specific. Find the professor with the best coat/jewelry combo on campus. Odds, that one is the one she is idolizing.
***We also love collages of our own creation.
****Apparently Botticelli had ADD. And hated non-Italian Renaissances as much as I do.
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Filed under Art, Humor

mini-connection

Today in Modern Poetry, we were discussing “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” by T.S. Eliot.

I could probably write an insane amount this poem. All of it not making much sense. But I had an adorable, non-sequitur epiphany in relation to the poem.

J. Alfred Prufrock implores:

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do

We discussed how sad it was that in his own Shakespearian fantasy, Prufrock isn’t even Hamlet, he’s Polonius [attendant lord] who is an intellectual fool and dies on accident!

But this made me think of [Scrubs], where in J.D.’s Batman fantasy, he is Robin, while his best friend, Turk, is Batman.

Batman Turk and Robin J.D.

These are the kind of observations I would usually say in class in high school. But with my new goal to be less annoying in class, at least with my ramblings, I’m putting them on my blog instead!

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Filed under British, Film, Literature

Fake AP Stylebook, how I adore you

WARNING: you probably shouldn’t read this if you have a paper due.

Because you are a literature major or really like language, you will be occupied for the next half hour.

I think Twitter is a bit silly, at least personal twitters. I don’t like the idea of humans being limited in 140 characters. But I do like the information sharing twitters that link to other things, or the comical twitters, like Shit My Dad Says, which is 103 tweets of quotes  from Justin’s, the tweeter, father.

Well, this Twitter may be the single funniest one I have ever found. The Fake AP Stylebook is like what I wish my AP Language class was like. It is irreverent, silly, and smart, poking fun at the AP, in a false pretentiousness on a Twitter, acting like Twitter is a real news source, well, because it is.

Here are some of my favorite all-time tweets from them and I bolded my two favorite favorites:

OLD DAYS: “Grandpa walked to school uphill in the snow…” OLDEN DAYS: “…after fighting a dragon.”

Only three living individuals are addressed as “the”: the Batman, the Doctor and the Erik Estrada.

Use “Roman Catholic” to distinguish the Church from similar organizations (Gondorian Catholics, Times New Catholic, etc.)

If a source jokes that Congress is the opposite of progress, politely remind them the word is “regress” and throw up all over their blazer.

To stay hip, use “po-po” instead of “police” (e.g., Po-Po Anti-Drug Task Force, Chief of the Po-Po, INTERPO-PO.)

Capitalize “ultimate” only when it is a proper name. The “ultimate Warrior” is the last warrior. The “Ultimate Warrior” is bad-ass.

Always add an exclamation point after “Barbara Streisand!” to indicate universal adoration of her. See also: Jimmy Smits!

When it is raining put a circumflex above all vowels to prêvênt thêm frôm gêttîng wêt.

One does not “use” an interrobang. One submits to it.

Add the suffix “-punk” to increase a subject’s pretensions of edginess: steampunk, splatterpunk, grammarpunk, etc.

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Filed under Language